Unimaginable Pain

After a long week at home with sick kids, I get an email from a old friend. Her baby was born very early and was called home far too soon. She sent me an email today with a slide show video that was made for her of her sweet baby boys last day here on earth. Many of us don't know this because we have never experienced it, but there are wonderful people in this world who take photographs for families at stillbirths or when a baby is expected to pass. It was the most beautiful thing I have ever watched. It made my heart hurt for her. The unimaginable pain or rocking your baby to sleep is something I can't wrap my mind around. There are so many things we don't understand if this life. I have faith that God has bigger plans for this sweet baby boy! He is in a far better place than we can imagine.

I have spent this last week doing nothing but wishing I felt better because this little human being growing inside is sucking the life right out of me. I have complained I don't feel well and that I know this is the last time I can ever do this. Now I feel rather embarassed because who am I to complain about feeling sick when another mother would give ANYTHING to hold her baby boy. Who am I to get another healthy child when a friend can't even get one? Hug your babies a bit tighter tonight knowing that at any moment God's plan may not be yours. I try so hard not to take things for granted, but in the chaos of life, sometimes that is hard. I pray for those who are hurting for the loss of their babies or children.

Being pregnant for the 5th time, yes I said 5th, we had a miscarrage between Jace and Max, I am left to wonder if I will be so very lucky to get another healthy baby. If you stop and think about the delicate process of life, it is hard to believe that most of the time, not a thing goes wrong and you get a perfectly beautiful baby. If you really think about the privilage woman have to GROW ANOTHER HUMAN BEING INSIDE THEM, how cool is that, to GROW A HUMAN BEING. It is just a process I think we take for granted. We get pregnant, vomit, have mood swings, cravings, gain weight in places we never thought possible, have the baby then life revolves around your breasts and no sleep, but what is really happening is human life and we are sooooo lucky to be part of it. We need to learn to embrace all that comes along with the process of life. I know I will especially after seeing that video and the pain in their eyes. The pain of a mother yearning for her child to live, but God had bigger plans.

Compliment

I had the best compliment on Saturday night at the Roosevelt carnival. I was volunteering in the face painting/tattoo room and there was a college kid who was volunteering to help me. A grandma came in with her grandkids and tells us that it was so great of us to volunteer our time. She then said "do you both go to Fort Hays". I promptly said "Well yes I do". Then I had to tell her that no i was just a parent but that was a great compliment that I could look like a college student. The kid I was sitting by was 19, does that mean I look 19? No matter what it made me feel good!!! I always tell Mark I still feel like I just graduated HS. He looks at me like I'm a nut case. Defiantly, hanging out with all of these teens, is going to keep me young!!! I learn something new from them everyday. I am so blessed to have them in my life. Mark is going on our next trip with us so he to will get the pleasure of teen boys and girls, but mostly boys! Laying the ground work for us!

SuperBowl

I had a great time with friends and family watching the game. Oh, wait a minute, I didn't watch until the 4th quarter because I have 3 munchkins to run after. That's ok because I don't really enjoy football! I am more of a social person than a sports person. I love spending time with family and friends. I think every year we have some people over the this big sporting event and it's never Mark's idea. It's great to have people over and spending some good all American time together. I don't know much more. I hope to have a productive week and look forward to the YAMA chili cook off Saturday.

Kids are SO honest!

We were at church tonight and there was a older lady who probably isn't the cleanest person in the world, and she was helping Max put his coat on. Being COMPLETELY honest, Max says, "your stinky". Jace's eyes were as big as saucers and thankfully the lady was hard of hearing and she didn't understand what Max said. I quickly redirected him so he wouldn't say it again. It took everything I had not to bust out laughing because what he said was totally true, just not appropriate to say.

On a side note, I measured my kids on the wall last night and they have grown sooooo much. I can't believe how fast time goes. I just want to savor every minute. Jace told my mom the other day that his favorite day of the week was Saturday. He said he loved Saturday because he didn't have to go to school, he didn't have to go to grandma Mary's, and all he had to do was stay home and do projects with his mom! When you hear something like that it makes you want to hang on to the innocence. I know there will be a day that my boys won't love Saturday's because of mom, but for now I need to cherish this time with them.

Under Construction

Our Home is officially

Under Construction

WE are growing by 2 feet!

Construction expected to be completed around October 1^st and then we will have 2 more feet running around and lots more to love!

With Love, Mark, Avry, Jace, Max, Owen, and baby on the way!

The Bitter Sweet End

Monday marked the end of a decade for me, it was my last day at Hays Med. I started at Hays Med while I was in high school. I have transitioned my way through many different departments there and have gained tons of experience. In August, God started calling me into something I NEVER thought I would be doing, youth ministry. I took a job at our church as the youth director. It has been so rewarding and I have enjoyed every minute of it. Those teenagers are going to keep me young for sure!!! Anyway, I will ALWAYS be a nurse at heart and and I felt a HUGE sigh of relief when I finally made the decision to quit. I really want to do what God is calling me to do, youth ministry, and being a doula. My doula business is also growing at a fast pace. There really isn't much I enjoy more than providing support to families during their birth experience. God has also opened another door for me, It is looking like I will be able to full fill another dream, teaching childbirth education classes in Plainville.

While I am going to miss working with all of my nurse friends, I am excited to see all of the things God is bringing into my life. I know I have made some true amazing friends with my nursing career and I plan to continue to foster those relationships.

Thank you to all who taught me everything I know as a nurse, to all who put up with my obsessiveness, to everyone who allowed me to care for them in their time of need, to my husband for allowing me to follow my dreams, and to God for giving me so many blessings and for showing me the way.